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[c_c_foreman]

Hi all,

I got engaged a couple of months ago and now that I am back in Vancouver with my family for the holidays (I currently live in Alberta), I am starting to plan my wedding and it's not going well. I am white and my FH is Chinese (born in Canada) so we would like to incorporate some Chinese traditions into the wedding. He feels that the part of the culture that is most important for him to have in the wedding is a traditional Chinese banquet (an 8-10 course meal where each dish symbolizes good fortune, happiness, etc) as the reception.

My parents have a BIG problem with this since they never eat ethnic foods, and believe that the guests won't be able to eat the food and this will reflect badly upon THEM as poor hosts. They are very stuck on the idea that the bride's family "hosts" the wedding, and it's their day to host and not me and my FH's. Most of the guests will be either our young urban friends (who have likely eaten chinese food before), or my FH's large family who will definitely be able to eat the food. Me and my FH feel that it is OUR day to host and my parents had their own wedding day to do what they wanted, and we feel we should have the right to do our wedding the way we want. We think that if a small number of people do not wish to eat chinese food, that is their right and we should not bend over backwards trying to accommodate everyone.

I have suggested numerous ways to have a "fusion" type reception (e.g. have western food lunch with a chinese food dinner, have both foods available at the reception, etc) but the ONLY thing my parents will consider is having an entirely western wedding and reception, with a chinese banquet the next evening (of course, hosted by my FH's side of the family). My parents have not made any concessions in what they want, and the worst part is, they are not in a financial position to even host their vision of the wedding. On the other hand, me and my FH have the financial resources to put into place what WE want to do, without any help from my parents. There have been many heated discussions and my parents feel that by having Chinese food at the reception we're not considering their feelings (of course, they don't seem to care about what me and my FH want). They have even threatened at one point not to attend the wedding over this issue. There doesn't seem to be any way to make both sides happy, and worst off I can't even start looking at planning out things like a venue until this is sorted out.

What do you guys think of this situation? Am I wrong for believing that me and my FH have the right to incorporate some Chinese food into the wedding, especially if we are able to financially support our vision? Is it reasonable to assume that, in Vancouver, even the Caucasian guests will be comfortable with chinese food? Or, is a wedding a chance for the bride's family to "host" their ideal vision of the day? HELP!

[Sotiny]

Hello c_c_foreman!

#1 thing to do... keep in mind that you DO NOT want to mess-up any relationship because of 1 day... true that it is your BIG day... but it can easily mess-up important relationship. On your BIG day, you really do not want any hard feeling.

From your posting, it seems like you've been trying to offer different options for your parents to consider; did you offer any option to your FH to consider? As a Chinese myself, the most important part of our tradition is actually the tea ceremony.

We just got married 1 month and 8 days ago; I am Chinese and Hubby is Indonesian (kinda close, but we do have very different tradition). Before we started planning, hubby made it clear to his parents that we didn't want any help as this is something that he wants to do ALL by himself. (In Chinese, it is the groom [or with the help of the groom's parents in some cases] to pay for everything in the wedding). I had no problem with who should be the "hosts" of the big party, but we made it clear that a Chinese 8-10 course meal would be too much for us to affort (it would be at least $700 per table for 10ppl + tax + tip + drink). Besides, most of our friends are not Chinese, they might not enjoy shark fins as most of Chinese would. So for my parents, who are very traditional, we did tea ceremony + pig ceremony (which repersent "something blue" in Chinese) instead of the Chinese banquet.

In your case, may I suggest the following:
It seems to me you really want to make sure the Chinese tradition is taken care of. 1 day or 2 (of even a week) before your actual BIG day, (pick one afternoon like 3pm or 4pm) do a Chinese tea ceremony with your FH's parents and family (serving tea to the groom's parents and the elderlies in his family). Buy a Chinese dress (they are usually under $100), and use that as your 'wedding dress' of the day. After the tea ceremony, do the Chinese traditional banquet with the groom's family and friends. (it would be up to you if you want to invite your parents to join or just leave them out if they don't feel comfortable.)... so at least, you have the Chinese part covered.

On the "actual" wedding day, have the ceremony in the morning and have a lunch reception (which would be more reasonable for your parents); buffet style or simple cocktail... they can take their pick within their budget if they would like to host it. Besides, as of venue, if you pick communicate centre or something doesn't provide food, maybe you can get some food from Costco (Anna bakery in Vancouver has wedding cake at very reasonable price). Also, you have to keep in mind if you want a "dance" or not as additional fee will apply to most venue depending on how many guests you have for a dance (an additional fee already applies if you want to play music). There are lots of fees that applies to wedding and it is best to read all of the fine prints.

Hope it help. Just remember... your wedding is going to be one of the most unforgetable day in your life and you will be inviting everyone who are "the most" important in your life to share this moment with you... just stay calm and enjoy every moment that go towards that 1 day

Originally Posted by c_c_foreman

Hi all,

I got engaged a couple of months ago and now that I am back in Vancouver with my family for the holidays (I currently live in Alberta), I am starting to plan my wedding and it's not going well. I am white and my FH is Chinese (born in Canada) so we would like to incorporate some Chinese traditions into the wedding. He feels that the part of the culture that is most important for him to have in the wedding is a traditional Chinese banquet (an 8-10 course meal where each dish symbolizes good fortune, happiness, etc) as the reception.

My parents have a BIG problem with this since they never eat ethnic foods, and believe that the guests won't be able to eat the food and this will reflect badly upon THEM as poor hosts. They are very stuck on the idea that the bride's family "hosts" the wedding, and it's their day to host and not me and my FH's. Most of the guests will be either our young urban friends (who have likely eaten chinese food before), or my FH's large family who will definitely be able to eat the food. Me and my FH feel that it is OUR day to host and my parents had their own wedding day to do what they wanted, and we feel we should have the right to do our wedding the way we want. We think that if a small number of people do not wish to eat chinese food, that is their right and we should not bend over backwards trying to accommodate everyone.

I have suggested numerous ways to have a "fusion" type reception (e.g. have western food lunch with a chinese food dinner, have both foods available at the reception, etc) but the ONLY thing my parents will consider is having an entirely western wedding and reception, with a chinese banquet the next evening (of course, hosted by my FH's side of the family). My parents have not made any concessions in what they want, and the worst part is, they are not in a financial position to even host their vision of the wedding. On the other hand, me and my FH have the financial resources to put into place what WE want to do, without any help from my parents. There have been many heated discussions and my parents feel that by having Chinese food at the reception we're not considering their feelings (of course, they don't seem to care about what me and my FH want). They have even threatened at one point not to attend the wedding over this issue. There doesn't seem to be any way to make both sides happy, and worst off I can't even start looking at planning out things like a venue until this is sorted out.

What do you guys think of this situation? Am I wrong for believing that me and my FH have the right to incorporate some Chinese food into the wedding, especially if we are able to financially support our vision? Is it reasonable to assume that, in Vancouver, even the Caucasian guests will be comfortable with chinese food? Or, is a wedding a chance for the bride's family to "host" their ideal vision of the day? HELP!

[c_c_foreman]

Hey, thanks for the info, it sounds like you have some great ideas and I will definitely consider those. It is really not an easy situation to be in! Always nice to hear how other people handled things. :-)

[jlc]

Hi,

I'm in the complete opposite situation as yours. I'm Chinese and my FH is White. My parents want a full-on traditional Chinese wedding reception but my FH's mom doesn't eat seafood or very much ethnic food at all. Plus, most of our guests probably wouldn't appreciate the abalone or steamed fish, etc. My idea is to have a traditional Chinese-style reception, where there is also some western cuisine tied into the menu. Check with hotels. They seem to do a lot of these fusion weddings and often have pre-made fusion menus.

Hope this helps a little...

[danashih]

If your parents aren't footing the bills, they aren't really "hostsing" the wedding, are they? I agree with you, it's your day and it's you and your FH who should decide on the kind of reception you want, especially if you are paying. Also, it seems like there are more guests on you FH's side?
You really need to communicate more with your parents about your wishes and your happiness for the once in a lifetime event, and tell them you don't want regrets due to your parents personal wishes. Just be patient.
You can start looking into venues where they can modifiy their menus. Most are more than gladly to eliminate some items. Ask them if they can even serve different dishes for one or two tables for guests on your side.
Chinese weddings are a lot of fun. I love the 10 course meal where you just sit and wait to be served and eat and enjoy the entertainment the whole night. Chinese guests also give monetary gifts too. I am chinese, wanted to have a chinese reception but we didn't have enough guests, so we went for a western one instead. But I know I will always have a little regrets in the back of my head. My parents aren't paying at all, so they don't really care what we do with it.
Best luck to your wedding planning

[Sotiny]

Just wondering how your planning has been coming along? Are your parents "backing-off"?

[c_c_foreman]

Hi guys,

Thanks for your advice. In the end, my parents reluctantly agreed that it was our day and we could host the Chinese banquet. So, we are having a western ceremony and a light "high tea" of western food right after the ceremony, with a full chinese banquet later in the evening. The western food will be hosted by my parents (they are picking the menu entirely) and the banquet hosted by us/FH's parents.

In the end I think my parents are still quite offended by my choice (I overheard them talking to one another about how they think the food is crap and they will be bringing granola bars to the dinner because they can't eat any of the food) but nothing else has been said about it to me so I'm just leaving it at that!

Talk to you all later!

[honeybee]

Nice to hear that you are finally getting what you want at the end.

Many people had difficulty accepting foreign food before they actually tried it. How about you start introducing some fusion dishes to your family? Springrolls and deepfried squid are always welcomed by most people on earth.

[Sotiny]

Nice to hear things are worked out.

Good luck with the rest of your planning!
(if you need more help... just post on this forum... I am sure we all love to help)